Cling Film Condom Gets Stuck – i.Con the Smart Wearable Sex Ring in Beta Testing: This week I would like to share with you how my over-enthusiasm for developing new applications for plastics additives almost caused a condom disaster in ‘Accident and Emergency‘. I also provide a quick update on the beta testing for the new nano-packed, downloadable smart condom i.Con and discuss how it could warn you about syphilis and chlamydia.

In my early career I worked tirelessly with my technical team to perfect the perfect condom

As I am getting on a bit I think now is the time to come clean about some of the secrets from my early career in developing new chemical products. Last week I described my job in making mutants and their role in the UK’s erection of the year (more on that in the link here). Well, following my attempts to make mutants of the bacterium ‘Psodomy‘ I decided it was time for a career change and moved into additives for plastics and rubber.

Following my attempts at solving world hunger by making mutants I decided it was time to move on to new challenges

In my new role, working for the UK’s largest Oil company, I was responsible for sales and development of these products in the South of England. One of the products was a very viscous (= ‘like treacle’) product that was also quite tacky (= ‘sticky’) called Polybutene. These properties made it useful in things like sealants and adhesives (because of the stickiness) and high performance motor oils (as a viscosity index improver). It was also used in cling film (plastic- or cling-wrap) as the ingredient that made it ‘cling’.

Although I had already earned some street cred with the blokes at the pub with my stories about helping to develop Formula 1 motor oils – clearly for the girls I needed something a bit more sensual. My sales region included the well known ‘London Rubber Company‘ whose major product ‘Durex‘ was famous among all my friends. I decided to see if I could use my Polybutenes’ skills to develop the perfect condom for this potential client.

Anyone who has had the good fortune to use a condom will appreciate that something you do not want it to do is fall off in the middle of use. I realised that my tacky additive could be just the product to help this rubber wearable item ‘stay on’. Clearly we had the technology – I already sold to one of the UK’s largest producers of cling film. One potential problem with our polybutene was that its viscosity (thickness) reduced when it was exposed to increased ‘shear‘ (e.g. rubbing against it). This was actually a desirable property in some products – like adhesives – it would help you to adjust the surfaces you were trying to stick before the joint was fixed.

I decided to dedicate myself to safer sex

In a condom we didn’t want the stickiness to reduce as you increase the shear rate because this would make it easier for the sleeve to ‘come off’ during action. However we had a special ‘2000’ grade that was super thick and I was certain that if you put this into the condom material it would not slip off. Yes I was on the brink off producing the ‘condom that never falls off‘. Chris’s solution to the problem of global over population.

Field trials were a natural next stage. However we did run into a snag – as well as being very thick our 2000 grade was also the most tacky product in the range. Great if you are making glue or rodent traps! A condom containing this additive would certainly not come off during action – however, it had a slight drawback. After you have finished your period of ‘passion’ it was impossible to remove the condom from your appendage. My manager pointed out to me the potential brand damage to Durex of having lines of people at the hospital ‘Accident and Emergency‘ departments – all with condoms stuck on their Willies.

Shortly after this the oil company sent me to become their Sales Manager in Japan – a country where we did not have any existing customers. It was felt that my enthusiasm for innovative product development would be less damaging there (…remind me, one day, to explain how I nearly developed the chop-stick that will stick to rice – sadly it also stuck to diners’ lips).

i.Con the Smart Condom (Ring)

Recently, I was reminded of my early days in condom research, when I heard about another new UK sex innovation. The company ‘British Condoms’ has developed a smart wearable penis ring that you place over a condom. This nanochip based smart device measures loads of useful data to help you analyse your sexual performance. As part of a holistic exercise regime it could help to keep you fit and even lose weight (it measures calories expended in sex).

The product is currently undergoing beta testing to develop its systems for analysing and counting the type and number of positions you use. It should also be able to measure STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections) like Chlamydia and Syphilis although I am not sure quite how it will tell you about this (I suspect it will be too small for a loudspeaker…just imagine the scene – passions arise and a little voice shouts out: ‘Don’t touch her she’s got pox!‘).

Perhaps your STI information, like the other stats, can be downloaded straight to your smart phone to share on Facebook? Rather than duplicate my in-depth evaluation of this new smart product here why don’t you take a look at my detailed review of this exciting new product on the page using the link here).

I wonder if they have ever considered developing a cock ring that is a bit more sticky and doesn’t slide off? Better polish off my C.V.!!! Sadly some gentlemen are so worried about rings slipping off that they actually use more than one on their penis (for my article about how the German fire brigade carries out training to practice removing such devices – in one case 13 on one Willy – use the link here).

So that is enough for today’s action packed ‘health-special’ edition of the blog. If you are interested in such exciting reports like this one you might like to subscribe to my blog – yes it is free!).

Chris Duggleby