Public Crab Attack Scare – Take Care Sleeping in Berlin – Do Not Catch Crabs – Two Year Prison Sentence: One of Germany’s most popular tourist areas is threatened by infestation with “Alien Crabs“. However many people do not appreciate that that under German law if you catch crabs you could find yourself faced with a hefty fine or up to two years in prison. More below…
I was staggered to read in the German national press this morning that Berlin is threatened with being ‘overrun by alien crabs‘. Tourists take note: if you find yourself a nice park bench for a rest – you may find you are not alone. The country that prides itself in maintaining order and setting tough hygiene standards is somewhat embarrassed that this infestation has taken hold. What’s worse for the locals is that the species involved is not a native of Germany – this alien vermin originates from America.
Before I go on let me make one point of clarification. You may have landed on this page because you were searching for ‘Pubic Crabs‘ – those nasty little insects that like to inhabit pubic hairs and other parts of the human body. However, my focus today is on a different kind of creature – actually a much bigger one – the ‘Public Crab‘. Should you find one of these crawling through your genital hairs you would be well advised to remove it very quickly before it does some serious harm with its large, nasty, chopping claws.
To minimise confusion I have included above some pics of pubic lice happily co-existing with a host in their normal habitat. There is no need to worry about these little chums castrating your private equipment – they just want to suck your blood and lay eggs. If pubic lice is your area of interest your time has not been wasted – you can quickly jump (sorry!) to my other recent article about a high tech German invention: the Plasma Nit comb. If your would like to find out more about this development from the famous Fraunhofer Nit-research Institute just click on the article title or on the nitcomb picture below:
“Kill Head Lice In A Day With The Newly Developed Plasma Nitcomb From The German Fraunhofer Institute“
For those readers who are less interested in pubic infestations but would like to learn more about Berlin’s current public infestation read on. Why is the German national press creating hysteria with headlines about the Alien Swamp Crab (“Sumpfkrebs”) Invasion of Berlin? Well – parts of this iconic capital city are being overrun by bright red American crustaceans. These aliens were recently spotted walking around the streets near the Spanish embassy – presumably flushed out of their cosy underground lair by a summer shower.
These migrants are known is the US as a variety of Crayfish (Latin name Procambarus clarkii) – a culinary favourite in that part of the world known as “the Louisiana Crawfish“. Its natural habitat is normally the Southern US States and northern Mexico (Could this explain the preference for the Spanish embassy?). It has a very pronounced bright red colour and can grow to be quite large (15 cm). It is this colourful appearance that makes it a favourite among those Berlin residents who like to keep an aquarium.
One of the problems is that in the comfortable, protected environment of a German domestic aquarium crayfish can live for about 5 years. As they get bigger some owners find their size can overwhelm the rest of the ‘exhibits’. Alternatively they may just get bored with looking at the same crustacean for 5 years. So their ‘pet’ Sumpfkrebs may get relegated to the garden pond or be accidentally mislaid during a walkies in the local park. Once freed of their celibate imprisonment these passionate creatures are, unsurprisingly, desperate for a bit of sexual adventure.
As crayfish are able to mate several times a year it is not surprising that their numbers in Berlin have been increasing rapidly. The last couple of mild winters will have prolonged the time available for passionate pursuits – clearly re-enforcing Berlin’s reputation as a sexually adventurous city. Despite Angela Merkel’s open door policy welcoming migrants I understand the Berlin authorities are starting to worry about this foreign invasion. These crustaceans have a very diverse appetite and it will not be long before local fish stocks (and lots of other sensitive local delicacies) become seriously diminished.
Interestingly I noticed am article in the International Journal of Biological Science reporting that Procambarus clarkii, our promiscuous crayfish, can actually reproduce without having to even bother with sex (Yue et. al. Discovery of four natural clones in a crayfish species Procambarus clarkii. Int J Biol Sci 2008; 4(5):279-282). The research team identified a number of natural genetic clones of the crayfish – indicating that these offspring were produced by a mother that hadn’t had to endure sex (Presumably when you have ten legs – performing sexual acts can be a bit of a challenge!). For any ‘scientists’ who are interest you can find the original crayfish sex article using the link here.
By the way – the picture above is not the result of feral crayfish having a wild night of sexual fun in Berlin. It illustrates one of the ways that our friends in the US keep their crayfish numbers under control – they eat them. Just in case anybody in Berlin sees this and thinks the local infestation presents an interesting opportunity for a tasty crawfish supper – be warned. Under my assessment of German law (OK, admittedly I am not a lawyer) catching these little creatures is considered to be ‘fishing’. If you do not have the appropriate fishing licence from the authorities any attempt to catch the crustaceans can be punishable with a hefty fine and up to two years imprisonment. Is it really worth it?
Who knows? If you do go get incarcerated in a Berlin prison you might be lucky enough to enjoy an intimate relationship with that other kind of crab! (so don’t forget your plasma nit comb).
Happy scratching!
Chris Duggleby.
If you are interested in reading my other health focused articles try the following
Torture In The Shower – Face and Body Soap Allergies – Main Suspect: Pears Transparent Soap
Toxic Chemicals in Sex Toys – 18 Vibrators, Cock Rings, Love Balls Tested – Only 3 Get All Clear
My T-shirt Made Me Sick – Textile Allergies – Sinusitis From Your Underwear
Chris Duggleby 
Oh, my. I’m speechless. At some point my brain can’t hold any more stresses but thankfully your presentation is full of humor and neutralized the stress so I have been able to bare up pretty well on this one. I must eat a piece of chocolate now.
Thanks Linda, I am not sure how effective chocolate is as a crustacean repellent but to be on the safe side I will join you. Thank goodness we are not in Berlin – Building a wall to control the Alien invasion could become a key issue in the upcoming German election (Sounds familiar eh?). All the best, Chris.