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Today’s article reviews how Norwegian fisherman, Bjørn Frilund, found a vibrating sex toy inside a cod and speculates whether this could be connected with recent changes in the sleeping arrangements proposed for the Norwegian Army. It concludes with a passionate rendition of Rule Britannia to celebrate St. George’s day.
In the last few days I came across some major developments in Norwegian recycling technology which need to be brought to the attention of the international community.
Norwegian Plastics Recycling Breakthrough
In the oil industry they have been trying for many years to develop mutant bugs which can break down and eat the unpleasant residues from crude oil spills. Similarly microbes which can eat plastics might help to reduce the growing mountain of indestructible packaging products created by mankind. However the Norwegians have demonstrated once again their Viking ingenuity by developing cod which are able to eat large pieces of waste plastic.
My understanding is that the fisheries authorities in Norway are trying to find ways to diversify their fishing industry. One of their top secret projects reputedly involves producing mutant cod which are able to eat up some of the considerable volumes of plastic waste floating about in the World’s oceans.
My expectation is that Norwegian fishing vessels, which are constantly struggling with fish quotas, would release these mutant, plastic eating cod, into the oceans and then harvest them as part of a scientific fish monitoring programme (regular readers will remember my article describing how the Japanese have used this approach to justify hunting and killing whales – if you missed it please use this link).
Suddenly the negative publicity from over-fishing the oceans would be turned on its head as the Norwegian fleet would be seen as saving the oceans from the scourge of man-made plastics. They would catch the cod in their nets, split them open to remove the plastics and then pass on the juicy bits to their local fish and chip shops.
So far so good but those of us who have worked in the lab producing mutants know only too well that you need to be very careful when releasing these new organisms into the wild. It looks as if the Norwegians may have been rather hasty by releasing at least one (and possibly more) of their experimental plastic-eating cod into the ocean.
The highly respectable Norwegian Newspaper Åndalsnes Avis ran an article on the 10th April under the title “FANGET TORSK, FANT DILDO” – which for those not blessed with Norwegian language skills means “Caught Cod, Found Dildo“. It would appear that the Norwegian fisheries authorities have been caught red-handed (well actually the object in question was more of an orange colour). The fisherman who caught the beast, Bjørn Frilund, said he was cutting up his catch when he noticed its stomach was a rather unusual shape. In addition to two partly digested herrings he discovered that the cod had eaten a rather brightly coloured orange vibrator. He thought that perhaps the cod had mistaken the sex toy for a local octopus – these also happen to be multicoloured.
Bjørn even speculated as to how the vibrator, which still had a small motor attached to one end, may have entered the ocean – “perhaps it had been tossed off a boat by a frustrated woman on a cruise in the Barents Sea“. Well maybe not – read on!
If you would like to read the original article in Norwegian (with photos) please follow the link by clicking here. For those who struggle with the local language you can read an English version in Norway’s News in English Paper ‘The Local‘ by clicking here.
So What’s This Got To Do With The Norwegian Army?
Interestingly at about the same time that Bjørn Frilund was discovering sex toys inside fish I was preparing an article for publication on the outcome of research carried out on behalf of the Norwegian military. This looked at the impact on troop motivation and levels of sexual descrimination/harassment when male and female soldiers were allowed to sleep in mixed quarters. In case you missed this important article just click on the title below:
Now I am sure that it is merely an interesting coincidence that shortly after the Norwegian authorities decided to allow both sexes to share sleeping facilities that unwanted lady’s sex toys started to be discarded into the sea around Norway’s shoreline.
I think we can call it a coincidence as long as Bjørn’s find turns out to be unique. If fisherman start to discover fish containing more plastic items of a discrete feminine nature there may be a link to the recent developments in the military. Meanwhile I have heard a rumour that Scandinavian environmentalists are trying to develop lady’s intimate play things in the shape of octopuses to make them easier to recycle. I will monitor developments and keep you informed.
Women dressed as sailors and singing
My final item today is somewhat celebratory in nature. Next week on Wednesday it is the 23rd of April. This is the birthday of the UK’s first blogger, William Shakespeare, it is also the date when the German Beer Purity Law was introduced in Bavaria (yes I expect more parties in our local beer gardens next week). It is also St. George’s day: the patron saint of England and famous slayer of unpleasant fire spitting creatures. I explained more about the history of all of these events in an earlier blog which can be found by clicking here.
In line with both the nautical and military flavour of this week’s blog and to remind the world’s Anglophiles that its not just the Norwegians who are fond of sailors here is a little song by a lady who could make any Viking tremble. I had such an enthusiastic response to my recent article featuring a video of Land of Hope and Glory (which you can view again here) that I would like to share with you today an excellent rendition of Rule Britannia in its original form. Take it away Sarah Connolly (just click on the picture below):
If any readers expect to eat fish over the Easter festive period please remember that its only the little chocolate eggs that contain the plastic toys – not the cod. For modesty’s sake I suggest you gut the fish when the children are not around – just in case.
Enjoy St. George’s day.
Chris Duggleby
If you found this article interesting you might also like to take a look at some of my other recent reviews. Just click on the titles below:
17th April 2014: Niche On-line Dating Services (Specialities: Herpes, Thrush and Genital Warts)
If you find this kind of news interesting there are plenty more articles on my Alpine Press contents page which you can find here. Why not add this site to your browser favourites or subscribe to get regular updates?
If you enjoyed reading about how Norwegian fisherman, Bjørn Frilund, found a vibrator in a cod, the innovative mixed sleeping arrangements in the Norwegian Army or the passionate rendition of Rule Britannia to celebrate St. George’s day please visit http://www.chrisduggleby.com again.
Chris Duggleby 
My goodness. You do find unusual dilemmas to write about. Thanks for the head’s up on the Cod. I would not want to break an expensive crown biting down on such an object. 🙂 Linda Smith
Thanks Linda,
speaking of dilemmas you might enjoy reading about the latest developments in Hedgehog technology from Saarbruecken – it’s in the Alpine Press under the following link: German Police Catch Hedgehogs Testing Home Made Crash Helmets
Have a good Easter,
Chris.